Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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