You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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