I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
