Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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