He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
