i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
