my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
