I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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