So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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