I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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