quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
