Will you blow on my dice?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am spending my child support on dildos
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Randomize
