I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
