Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
