Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
