I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
