are you still at the devil's house?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
