I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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