this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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