weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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