Im at strip club and am horny
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
