my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
