Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
