You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
