Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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