I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
