Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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