im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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