But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
