Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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