I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
