oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
