If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
