Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
