I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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