There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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