I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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