He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
