I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
