he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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