Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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