Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
