now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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