My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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