She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
