Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
