3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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