he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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