Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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