Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
