the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
