Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
