You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
